You know what "Sike" means.
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
You can sing the McDonald's Big Mac, Filet-o-Fish, Quarter
Pounder, and French Fry song.
If you can find him, and if no one else can help, maybe you can hire Mr. T.
You know who Fat Albert is. And who was the boy with the pink mask?
You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
You could breakdance, or wish you could.
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You knew that knowing is half the battle.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.
You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
Rut row raggy. and Zoinks.
You HAD to have your MTV.
You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
You owned any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space.
You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
You wore your Izod shirt with the collar up.
You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.
Your LEGOs collection started with the free sets in a Happy Meal.
You remember when Happy Meals came in a box, not a paper bag.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.
You had to come in the house when the street lights came on.
You had to change into play clothes after school.
You owned, or knew somebody with a Commodore 64.
You hated Scrappy Doo.
You know that K.I.T.T was the coolest car on the road.
You know that Smurfs are three apples high.
Crossdressing was a fad, not a crime.
You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.
You wish you had a light saber.
Somehow you still know all the words to songs played on VH1's "Big 80's"
Your arm was full of rubber bracelets.
You have ever said, "Gag me with a spoon."
You have ever wondered what happened to Saturday morning cartoons.
You had to get up to change the channel.
You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine on Sesame Street.
You thought the Thriller video was pretty cool.
You remember the first time you went in to a video store to rent a movie.
You wore those wide, colorful shoelaces.
Quiet Riot's "Come on feel the noise" was the best song -- ever.
You know where "I want my two dollars" came from.
You still cannot go in to the water because of that damn movie Jaws.
You remember life before minivans and SUVs.
You solved the Rubics cube.....by peeling off the stickers
3--2--1-- CONTACT
You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish
You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
You know what "Whoa" means from Blossom
Three words: M.C. Hammer
You thought it would be great to have a friend named "boner"
You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"
GAG ME... OH MI GODDD!
The crypt keeper really freaked you out
Remember reading Kool-Aid man comics
You ever watched Fraggle Rock
You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike
When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
You wore a pony tail to the side of your head
You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen
You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school
You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side
You had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall
You played the game "Mash" with friends at school
You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
L.A. GEAR
Your mother wouldn't let you have garbage pail kids
You wanted to change your name to Jem in Kindergarten
You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off"
You wanted to be a Goonie
You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing
You wanted to be on StarSearch
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
She's a MANIAC...MANIAC....
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf
You remember the craze, and then banning of slap bracelets
You still get the urge to use "NOT" at the end of every statement you make
You remember Hypercolor T-shirts
Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band
You remember Punky Brewster
You loved Howard the duck
You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up
You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged "friendship bracelets"
You ever owned a pair of Jelly Shoes
After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?"
You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
You ever got seriously injured on a slip and slide
You know not to mix poprocks and soda
You have played with a 'skip-it'
You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's
If you've ever wanted to go to Degrassi High
You ever sat on or used one knee on a skateboard
You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks
You had a Glow Worm or watched the cartoons
You remember dancing along with theBangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian"
If you remember Heathcliff the orange cat
You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special
You wore socks over tights with high-top Reeboks
You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down
MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK.....'
You remember boom boxes instead of CD players
You remember the gimp fad
You remember the Transformers (more than meets the eye... Robots in disguise)
You knew what it meant to say: "Care bear stare!!" and you had a favorite
You remember Rainbow Bright and MY Little Pony Tails
You remember watching TV thinking doogie howser was hot!
You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Malmac
You remember the large amounts of hairspray used
You remember those very stylish headbands
You remember Vicky from Out of this World and how she could stop time by pressing the tips of her
index fingers together and talking to her dad through a glowing cube in her bedroom
You remember the beginning of New Kids on the Block . . . and the end.
You remember watching The Cosby show
You remember Mr.Belvadier
You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made
them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for
them to know about hand-me down clothes and homemade ice cream and
leftover meatloaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility
by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I
hope you learn to make your bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I
really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your
old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something
you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger
brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle
of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you
because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie
and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him. I
hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you
live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have
to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your 'driver' to drop you two
blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your
Mother. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make
one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read
books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add
and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush
on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what
Ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain,
burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.
And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not
your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your
Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a
funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your Mother punishes you
when you throw a baseball through a neighbor's window and that she hugs
you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold
of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard
work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
--Unknown
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
Drive carefully,
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
1. You loose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyong Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
16. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...'
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
22. Roseanne looks good.
23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
26. I'm as sober as a judge.
27. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
28. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."
BEST FRIEND
1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.
9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile anyone could give as they congratulated you.
15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them.
A Poem written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella
Couple of things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
When you die, you grey.
And you have the cheek to call me coloured
Which tree are you?
Which tree does your birthday fall under?
December 23 to January 1 ....... Apple Tree
January 2 to January 11 ........ Fir Tree
January 12 to January 24 ....... Elm Tree
January 25 to February 3 ....... Cypress Tree
February 4 to February 8 ....... Poplar Tree
February 9 to February 18 ...... Cedar Tree
February 19 to February 28 ..... Pine Tree
March 1 to March 10 ............ Weeping Willow Tree
March 11 to March 20 ........... Lime Tree
March 21 ....................... Oak Tree
March 22 to March 31 ........... Hazelnut Tree
April 1 to April 10 ............ Rowan Tree
April 11 to April 20 ........... Maple Tree
April 21 to April 30 ........... Walnut Tree
May 1 to May 14 ................ Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 ............... Chestnut Tree
May 25 to June 3 ............... Ash Tree
June 4 to June 13 .............. Hornbeam Tree
June 14 to June 23 ............. Fig Tree
June 24 ........................ Birch Tree
June 25 to July 4 .............. Apple Tree
July 5 to July 14 .............. Fir Tree
July 15 to July 25 ............. Elm Tree
July 26 to August 4 ............ Cypress Tree
August 5 to August 13 .......... Poplar Tree
August 14 to August 23 ......... Cedar Tree
August 24 to September 2 ....... Pine Tree
September 3 to September 12 .... Weeping Willow Tree
September 13 to September 22 ... Lime Tree
September 23 ................... Olive Tree
September 24 to October 3 ...... Hazelnut Tree
October 4 to October 13 ........ Rowan Tree
October 14 to October 23 ....... Maple Tree
October 24 to November 11 ...... Walnut Tree
November 12 to November 21 ..... Chestnut Tree
November 22 to December 1 ...... Ash Tree
December 2 to December 11 ...... Hornbeam Tree
December 12 to December 21 ..... Fig Tree
December 22 .................... Beech Tree
## Apple Tree, the Love. Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal
and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive,
always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree
philosopher with imagination.
## Fir Tree, the Mysterious. Extraordinary taste, dignity,
cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful,moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but
cares for those close to it, rather modest,very ambitious, talented,
industrious uncounted lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
## Elm Tree, the Noble-Minuteness. Pleasant shape, tasteful
clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead
but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude
and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of
humor, practical.
## Cypress, the Faithfulness. Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes
what life has to give,happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and
acknowledgement, hates loneliness, passionate lover which
cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and
careless.
## Poplar, the Uncertainty. Looks very decorative, no
self-confident behaviour, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity,
artistic nature, good organizer,tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation,
takes partnership serious.
## Cedar, the Confidence. Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt,
likes luxury,of good health not in the least shy,tends to look down
on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others,
many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one
true love, able to make quick decisions.
## Pine Tree, the Particularity. Loves agreeable company, very
robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good
companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns
out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds
its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
## Weeping Willow, the Melancholy. Beautiful but full of
melancholy, attractive, very empathic,loves anything beautiful and
tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be
influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition,
suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
## Lime Tree, the Doubt. Accepts what life dishes out in a
composed way, hates fighting, stress and labour, tends to laziness and
idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but
not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and
complaining, very jealous,loyal.
## Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary. Charming, undermining, very
understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter
for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant
partner, precise sense of judgement.
## Rowan, the Sensitivity. Full of charm, cheerful, gifted,
without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste,
artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
## Maple, Independence of Mind. No ordinary person, full
imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect,
hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good
memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
## Walnut Tree, the Passion. Unrelenting, strange and full of
contrasts, often egoistic,aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected
reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility,
difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious
strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.
## Chestnut Tree, the Honesty. Of unusual beauty, does not want
to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born
diplomat, but irritated and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of
self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood
loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.
## Ash Tree, the Ambition. Uncommonly attractive, vivacious,
impulsive,demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious,
intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very
reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule
over heart, but takes partnership very serious.
## Hornbeam, the good taste. Of cool beauty, cares for its looks
and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as
comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for
kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgement, dreams of unusual
lovers, is seldom happy with his/her feelings, mistrusts most people, is
never sure of its decisions, very consciences.
## Fig Tree, the Sensibility. Very strong, a bit self-willed,
independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its
family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of
humor, likes idleness and laziness,of practical talent and intelligence.
## Oak, robust nature. Courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not love changes, keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.
## Birch, the Inspiration. Vivacious, attractive, elegant,
friendly, unpretentious, modest, does Not like anything in excess, abhors
the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate,
full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content
atmosphere.
## Olive Tree, the Wisdom. Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids Aggression and violence, tolerant,
cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive,
empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of
sophisticated people.
## Beech, the Creative Has good taste, concerned about its
looks, materialist, good organization of life and career, economical,
good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid
lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Top Ten Sexually Explicit Lines From Star Wars
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
------------------------------------------------------
From The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must have hit it pretty close to the mark to get her al riled up
like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Return of the Jedi
10. "I look forward to completing your training.
In time you will call me master." (Emperor)
9. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)
8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the
battle of Taanab." (Lando)
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt,
you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
(Jerjerrod), with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate
them." (Darth)
4. "Grab me Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you
almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie,
Chewie!" (Han)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)
2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han)
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)
No Charge
My little boy came into the kitchen this evening while I was
fixing supper. And he handed me a piece of paper he'd been
writing on. So, after wiping my hands on my apron, I read it,
and this is what it said:
For mowing the grass, $5.
For making my own bed this week, $1.
For going to the store $.50.
For playing with baby brother while you went shopping, $.25.
For taking out the trash, $1.
For getting a good report card, $5.
And for raking the yard, $2.
Well, I looked at him standing there expectantly, and a
thousand memories flashed through my mind. So, I picked
up the paper, and turning it over, this is what I wrote:
For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you, No charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge.
For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge.
For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge.
Well, when he finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes.
And he looked up at me and he said, "Mama, I sure do love you."
Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: PAID IN FULL.
Gov't Planning
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into
the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with
all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but
if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000
the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Dogbyte
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother,
"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom,
and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
I'll Love it Regardless
A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test.
The doctor invites her in to sit down.
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some
serious problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives,
I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face.
In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and
I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world
to sing to it."
"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."
Doggin' It
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which
he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing
to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a
dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is
welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you,
you're welcome to stay here, too!"
I wish I could say these things at work!
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6. I like you. You remind me of me back when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
28. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
29. Do I look like a f--ing people person?
30. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
31. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
32. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
35. You!... Off my planet!
36. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
37. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
38. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
39. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
40. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
41. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
42. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
43. Allow me to introduce my selves.
44. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
45. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
46. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
47. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
48. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
49. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
50. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
51. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
52. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
53. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
54. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
55. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
56. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
57. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
58. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
59. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
60. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-fuck you!
61. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
65. I plead contemporary insanity.
66. And which dwarf are you?
67. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
68. Meandering to a different drummer.
69. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Cheers...
Do you remember on "Cheers" when Norm would have all of those one-liners
as he walked in and you could never remember what they were? Well, here
are a few of them......enjoy.
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
Who is Jack Schitt?
The lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when
someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc. In turn,
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had 6 children:
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap
Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Wedding
announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens weddings. The
Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt,, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct
them because you know his whole family and life story.
Don't Judge a Book by its Cover...
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun,
threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly
without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer
office.
The Secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks
had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be
in Cambridge.
She frowned as the man said softly, "We want to see the President."
"He'll be busy all day," the Secretary snapped.
"We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours, the Secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would
finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the Secretary
grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the President, even
though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe if they just see
you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance
obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested
gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.
The President, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for
one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year
ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like
to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The President wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said
gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who
attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look
like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to
erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building
to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham
dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you
have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have
over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant
at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased.
He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned
to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a
University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.
The President's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to
Palo Alto, California, where they established the university
that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no
longer cared about. "You can easily judge the character of
others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them
or to them."
- Malcolm Forbes -
Windows 2000 Messages
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000.
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ Test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" the system, type WIN.
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted...Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing...Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted...Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PAPER&PENCIL.SYS)
20. User Error: replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all
your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
More Quick Takes...
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?
What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape.
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather . . .kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . Men will screw anything.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with
.....the other is used to carry groceries.
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
No . . . but I've been swung around by the tits.
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit-bull.
What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along,
flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke
...but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.
How do you castrate a Red Neck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your
food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to
realize that you had set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Subject: Software Problems
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that> took up a lot of space
and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not
work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system
once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife
1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or
Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your
manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you
keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best
course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGISE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will
have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return
to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the
GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider
buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application
for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support.
P.S. Some people are now preferring to install Partner 1.0 or Companion 1.0,
these being equivalent programs. The installation of these more modern
operating systems can permit everything that Wife 1.0 offers but without
having to commit to a licence agreement. It also frees the user of some of
the restrictions on input/output ports and can under some circumstances can
free the user to install A Bit on the Side 1.1 or variants such as ToyBoy
2.0. This is in line with modern open systems but does require more
vigilence on the part of the user to ensure that viruses and other unwelcome
intrusion do not occur. Generally this means the installation of some
anti-viral software such as Condom 3.2. None of this was generally
necessary when using Wife 1.0 except for the possibility of expansion of the
motherboard. All sorts of problems could then ensue.
Child Birth Counseling
A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a
family, but they didn't know what they had to do to have children. So
they decided to visit a doctor.
With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their
situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents
and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked
bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted
to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human
reproduction. The same result.
Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination
table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her. (Tsk,
tsk, tsk!) He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do
you understand?"
"Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one question."
Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, "Yes,
what is it now?"
"How often do I have to bring her in?"
Two Nuns
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as
Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
SL: It is getting dark and we are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
(So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.)
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
...And you thought it was dirty...
TIPS FOR A LIFETIME
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot
griddle--perfect shaped pancakes every time.
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the
water before hard-boiling.
Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies
treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room
temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a
drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and
bring to a boil on stove-top -- skillet will be much easier to clean now.
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake.
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it
will keep for weeks.
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful, glossy finish.
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back
up.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring
out the corns natural sweetness.
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of
cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine:
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers.
Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the
area for instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never
cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor
or wherever ants tend to march - see for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better
still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before
resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the
splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters
painlessly and easily.
NOW Look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush.
The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase
or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of
water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar.
Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
Squawks
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for
maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
--------------------------------------------------------------------